Boardroom equity
Hello gentle readers, Animeman73 here. It’s time for another story in my Roll of the Dice challenge. This time the Dice rolled up a seven. So, my friend Izayoi_Aki rolled up.
And hoo boy did she ever give me a doozy. The Genre is Mockumentary. As for the word it’s Shenanigans. For this I’m going to do something unusual and delve into the realm of political satire.
Under normal circumstances I'd worry about censorship. But since this is Minds there’s no problem thank God. Get ready for Boardroom Equality.
The Roll of the Dice challenge continues.
Disclaimer: The following story is a Mockumentary/political satire. The characters and companies in it are pure fiction. Any resemblance to companies and characters in real life is pure coincidence.
Also, there are no sacred cows in this story. All sacred cows get made into sacred hamburgers.
“Hey, you do realize that you’re letting racism infest you by bringing this up!” My cameraman nagged at me.
Meanwhile I stormed towards the executive meeting room of Wonderview studios.
I, Brian Kingsley had had other ideas when I decided to make this documentary. I'd wanted to celebrate the diversity and inclusivity of the company. But I’ve discovered that company policy now puts us on the brink of disaster.
Now I find myself getting called things I’d never expected to get called.
“Hey, you can’t go in there,” The cameraman whined.
“That’s like where our execs are hanging out.”
And then I opened the double doors to the executive meeting room. My mouth dropped open as I gazed on what I could only describe as the weirdest group of people I had ever seen.
Some of them wore business suits, others wore bikini attire, some wore near nothing at all. The group glared on me as if I were a nuisance to them.
“I’m sorry comrades he wouldn’t stop.” The cameraman stammered in apology.
This of course was the Executive Board of Wonderview studios. The company's Inclusivity and Diversity policy had hit them first. That had been courtesy of the Studio Human Resources department.
“I’m sorry to interrupt ladies and gentlemen but…”
One of them pointed at me and snapped, “Hey like check your privilege! I'm Philip J. Mooselman I identify as a tri-winged Moose from Frostbite falls Minnesota!
"My pronouns are Thwang thwang, ptang ptang, nip nop, nip nop!”
And then he raised a whistle and blew it before he continued. “Ikki-ikki-ikki wattabe. And don’t you know interrupting this meeting makes you a bigot!”
My own face furrowed in puzzlement at this remark. “Wait, what?” I asked.
Another one, a woman added in, “He’s right you know. Point of Privilege, I am Mary Anne Higgins I identify as a nanny from 1910 England. My pronouns are Vettie-vettie…”
And then she brought a duck caller to her lips and blew it. “Then she continued. “Yon Blen, Yon Blen!
"And you’d best explain yourself Cisgendered pig!”
At this point I’d wanted to go off on them but decided for the time being to mind my P’s and Q’s. I opened my briefcase and brought out a sheet of paper. “I’ve been trying to get a meeting with you all day, it’s an emergency!”
Another one was a male who wore a metallic blue wig and lipstick. Their business suit had sparkles all over it. They quipped in a dismissive tone, “And like what’s so important that you have to see us?”
I took a breath before I continued. “How about the fact that I’ve received reports from the sets of our latest movies. You’re firing the casts and replacing them with…”
I looked on the report sent to me. “Black Gay transgendered Muslim handicapped midgets.”
Lipstick wearer snapped, “Hey mind your cisgendered privilege. They’re Gay, Transgendered, Muslim, abled, vertically challenged, personages.”
“Xir’s like so right you know.” My cameraman snapped in a lecturing tone.
I glared at the execs before I continued. “But this wasn't in the screenplay written. And from what I understand the fired actors and screenwriters are furious and planning to sue us!"
The woman dressed in the attire of a nanny from 1910 retorted, “Well then, we’ll have to explain how racist they are. We'll tell them how they need to back off this bigoted lawsuit.”
“Wait, what?” I asked unable to wrap my head around what she'd said.
The nanny continued. “We need to have inclusivity and diversity in every aspect of our movies. Who cares about what the screenplay says? Who cares about such petty things as story and good characters?
"It’s all about how much diversity we can pack into these movies to please our comrades.”
“But we're breaching the contracts of the actors and screenwriters!”
The Nanny brushed it off as if it were nothing. “I told you they won’t sue us! We’ll tell them that suing our studio is a form of racism, sexism, homophobia, and xenophobia.”
Lipstick wearer added in. “Point of privilege I’m Vice chairwoman Celeste Fabulous, my pronouns are Xir, Xee, and Xictamoo. I identify as a transgendered stripper.”
At this point I felt my head begin to pound from the headache due to the level of insanity and stupidity
“Honey, you don’t need to worry if they like try to sue us. We’ll like have our comrades convince them how bigoted they are. By like beating the bigotry out of them!”
“Oh yeah, it’s time to smash some Fash!” the cameraman cheered.
If my own face could have gone anymore pale it would've. “Wait, assaulting people is against the law!”
“Like against the law of the Heteronormative Patriarchal establishment. But not against the new Multicultural Multigendered Proletariat.”
Another executive raised a hand. He wore a short-sleeved white shirt, thick glasses, and had a neck beard.
“Um point of privilege. My name is Ikity Ackit Yook, I identify as a microwave oven. My pronouns are Oggdug Ekk Yonkin, and Bobobobooty! I would ask that everyone keep their voice down as this loudness is stimulating my anxiety!”
Everyone in the room raised their hands and snapped their fingers causing the man to relax. “But you’re breaking contracts and the law,” I told them. The man began making whirring noises like a Microwave oven before he beeped like said oven ending it’s cooking cycle.
Celeste added, “Honey you like need to check your privilege! Or else you’re a Toxic Menninist and a White Supremacist!”
The cameraman said, “Oh yeah you go Xir!”
“White supremacist? But I’m a black man!” I protested my patience starting to reach its limits.
Celeste looked surprised by this for a moment. Then it snapped, “Oh…well…then you’re a Toxic Menninist and a Black White Supremacist.”
The Nanny snapped, “And anyway why should you worry Cisgendered Imperialist? Your retirement and the money of our investors will be going to a good cause. Creating our glorious diverse and inclusive utopia.”
“My retirement?!” I squawked in outrage.
Mooselman explained, “It’s not like you’re using it or anything. Nor do you need your paychecks. All we need now are the numbers for your savings and checking accounts.”
As a lawyer and accountant for Wonderview studios I couldn’t believe the stuff I was hearing.
“But what about my pay? How are my family and I supposed to live? How are my wife and I to live in comfort when I retire?
"And what about my son's future education if he decides to go to college?"
The weird named guy who claimed to be a microwave oven spoke up. “Hey cisgendered fascist you’d like better not worry about your family's future! Because if you do that’s racist!”
The nanny then pushed a Blu-Ray to the end of the table. “And anyway, this disk will help educate you. In the art of salvaging things from people’s garbage and the proper cooking of them.”
At which point my stomach lurched in disgust. “Hey, it’s what you deserve bigot! You let racism, sexism, homophobia, and xenophobia creep into your DNA.” My cameraman lectured.
“I had only wanted to celebrate inclusivity and diversity in my company." I stated in open lament.
"Instead, what I’ve gotten is a company that’s flown over the cuckoo’s nest several times over!”
“You mean you’re only now figuring that out old buddy?” Came a voice from behind.
"What? Hey whos’ the whitey?” Microwave Oven person complained.
Walking into the room came a man with short cropped blonde hair. He also had a trimmed beard and mustache. He wore a very conservative business attire.
My face lit up as I recognized him. “Grant, Grant Falconer is that you?”
The man looked at me and smiled. “Been a long time since Yale Brian old buddy.”
He turned back to the executive board and continued. “Gentleman, Ladies, and Cousin Its, I’m actually here to serve notice on you.”
The man set his briefcase on the table and pulled out official looking documents.
“Hey, you like can’t enter here! No straight white males allowed!” The cameraman snapped.
My college buddy glared at my cameraman. "And by that comment alone I can have you dragged into court on charges of discrimination!” Grant retorted in a cross tone.
He served them up papers. “This is notice of the class-action lawsuit filed against Wonderview studios' executive board! This from the actors you fired based on race.
"And by the screenwriters whose contracts you violated!" Grant stated in a tone that was all business.
"Also, from the investors who've found out what you've been doing with their funds. Stuff that goes in violation of your fiduciary responsibilities." Grant added flashing them an angry glare.
Celeste was on her feet at once, “You check your privilege white man, suing us is racism! Oh, you're as bad as the filthy police we need to get rid of! The cops who are going into black communities and killing them for oil!"
At this point all sense of self-control left me as I facepalmed. “But that makes no sense!” I shouted.
“Hey, it like makes perfect sense you racist!” Snapped another voice
The comment came from a woman in a bikini bathing suit and looked like she’d body painted herself to look like a tiger. The woman spoke up.
“Point of privilege my name is Lisa Tygara Mendes. My pronouns are…”
She then meowed like a cat and then hissed. Then she continued, “I Identify as a Bengal Tiger!”
What the hell has happened to this movie company? I thought to myself in horror.
“You know,” Tiger woman snapped. “You sound like my mom and dad when you talk that crap. I hate my mom and dad and don't speak with them!”
A young man dressed in business attire entered holding a cell phone. “Excuse me, point of privilege. I’m Rotary Bib, I identify as an Apache Attack Helicopter. My pronouns are…”
And he started to chittere his teeth sounding like a machine gun firing. That got followed up by him saying, “Swuh,swuh, swuh!”
“Meow Mendes I have your parents on the line. They want to know if you’ll be coming home for your brother’s wedding at the end of this week.”
The tiger woman rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Tell Mommy and Daddy, I’ll call them back later!”
The man bowed and stated, “Very good.”
The young man turned to leave. Even as my face was now more wrinkled.
“Wait a second. You said you hated your parents and weren’t on speaking terms with them.”
“I am!” the Tiger girl near shrieked.
“And I’m a woman thus you need to listen and believe me!”
“But wait you said you were a tiger…” I began.
“I’m a Bengal Tiger you Black White Supremacist, a Bengal Tiger! Get it right, listen and do as I say, not as I do!” She screamed.
Grant Falconer let out a chortle as he quipped, “I see these policies have borne the chaotic shenanigans I expected.”
My old college buddy then looked at me.
“Listen Brian, I know you have a job here. But you see what’s going on here in the boardroom. Why not come and be a partner in my firm?
"Things will be a lot saner than at this Movie studio.”
At which point my Cameraman snapped, “You’d better not quit and give the bosses what they want! If you don’t want to get shown as a racist, sexist, and homophobe. You don’t want to get banned from Chatter!”
When I heard that threat, I made up my mind. To emphasize that point Mr. Microwave Oven spoke up.
“Come on man, all you have to do is give us your savings and checking account numbers. Then you’ll be free of any needs in our new utopia. And be content in waiting on us hand and foot.”
As polite as I could I smiled at the board. “Would you excuse me a moment?” I asked them in a civil tone.
On cue Grant and I stepped out of the office. We made our way outside. Having seen for myself all the insanity going on I knew there was only one answer.
“Hey like what are you doing?” My cameraman complained.
I looked at Grant and stated, “Okay, I have two questions for you.”
“And those are?” Grant Falconer asked.
‘Where is your office? I’ll need the address to put on my G.P.S. As for my second question when can I start?”
Grant pulled out a business card and handed it to me as he flashed a big smile. “I thought after all this you’d come around. As for when you can start would Monday be too soon?”
“Would Monday be too soon, hell no!” Was my response.
“Good, and why don’t you come by my office later. We can file papers to add you to the lawsuit for your stolen retirement."
I smiled in relief. “Grant, you read my mind. Now I can quit this job and go someplace sane.”
“Hey, you can’t quit, that’s white…”
“Will you shut up with the accusations of me being an ist or phobe! My actions aren't bigoted, not in any way! If anything, you and yours are bigots and crooks!
"And I’m done being a play toy for you!” I snapped relieved that I could say what i thought.
At that point my cameraman shut up. “But first I have to call up my bank and my broker! I have to protect my other nest eggs as well as my savings and checking accounts from those whackos.”
Then a new set of voices attracted our attention. I turned the camera towards where the voices were coming from. There were a group of people walking around in a circle holding signs and screaming.
The signs said all sorts of derogatory things about Wonderview Studios. “Who the hell are those guys?” I asked in bafflement.
Grant's face took on an expression of pure loathing.
"Heavenly Father please give me patience, it’s the Morality Defenders. They’re a right-leaning group out to ban movies and entertainment.
"They think entertainment and fun are tools of Satan to corrupt the innocent.”
At which point I looked on my friend and stated, “Speaking as a practicing Christian myself, I say this.”
And then I facepalmed and groaned.
We walked over to the group. We arrived to see a man in a light blue sports jacket, white shirt, black slacks and shoes. He had a Ken Doll -like haircut and preached to the crowd
“So, my brothers and sisters we must do what we can! We must end the wickedness of Wonderview Studios and the immorality it produces. For its written in the Bible as…”
I looked at my friend and stated, “I got this brother.”
I walked up and tapped the ranting Ken doll cut blonde-haired man on his left shoulder. The man glared at me and snapped, “What do you want Godless Pagan?”
I smiled and stated in a polite tone, “You insult me sir! I am a Christian I worship Jesus Christ the risen Lord and Savior. Also, I no longer work for Wonderview studios.”
“What?” the group yelped in collective surprise.
I nodded my confirmation. “You’re right there are immoral and disgusting things happening in Wonderview Studios. And I’m about to become part of a class-action lawsuit against them.”
Grant added, “He’s right, my new partner in my law firm is joining the lawsuit today. We have a lot of evidence. So, by this time next year, Wonderview Studios will have long since shut down."
"Oh no," The Ken Doll man roared in frustration.
"I'd had all kinds of plans for this. Including starting a riot to get the police to come here so we could get on the evening news. That way I could get word out about my group."
My mouth dropped open in stunned shock. "Are you serious?" I snapped in disbelief.
"You call yourself a man of God and a reverend?"
The Ken Doll blonde haired man’s face flushed. “Um actually it’s just brother, I’m not really a reverend I flunked out of seminary. I do this because it helps me keep from having to get an actual job.”
My hands went to my head as I groaned. The protestors also moaned and lamented what they’d heard about Wonderview Studios.
“Hey, I know what we can do.” One of them mentioned
“There’s an abortion clinic up the way from here. We can protest to have that shut down, I heard about it on Chatter.”
“Abortion Clinic? But that’s a Women’s Health clinic, they're not doing abortions! I've taken my wife there,” I tried to explain.
The voice from the crowd snapped, “They are too, I heard it on Chatter. And If I heard it on Chatter…’
“It must be true.” The rest of the protestors chanted in unison.
They grabbed their signs and headed off. “What in God’s name is this world coming to?” I moaned.
"Welcome to clown world my friend. Where only lawyers and grifters seem to prosper." Grant quipped.”
I turned and grabbed the camera. “The evidence I need is in that, give me that thing!”
A month later, I'd finished editing this documentary. At which time my ex-bosses got arrested for discrimination, embezzlement, and defrauding investors.
A year later I put this documentary out. By which time my former bosses got convicted on all counts. They screamed that convicting them was bigotry as they got dragged from the court.
All the money they'd stolen got returned to their victims. But it seems some people never learn.
Phew finally complete. I hope everyone liked this story.
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Thank you for reading this Roll of the Dice challenge Story. Until next time I’m Animeman73. Stay true to yourselves, stay classy, and God bless you all. And the dice keep on rolling.
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