Sex is the Promise of Monogamy: Turning Out

Really, there are so many promises in monogamy, but the essential one is sex. Sexual fidelity is the promise, and sexual infidelity is the quickest way to wreck the bond created by the promise.

For 8 months, I've lovingly walked beside a married man, who has kept me while trying to see if that bond between him and his wife which, together, we wrecked, can be repaired. The moral and ethical judgment of our initial actions aside, it has been one of the toughest and most profoundly deepening experiences of my life.

This man, a Capricorn, and true to his sign, spent the early years of his adulthood forging his career path with a chosen partner who shared the same drive for the same profession. She's a great life partner and friend, but they never shared a passionate romance and sex was always a side concern. 

I have been this man's confidant, most consistently engaged friend, and lover over the past year. Again, judgment aside, sometimes, people come to their truths through wrong choices. 

I've listened to this man intellectualize why he could live without passion and sex, but I'm one of 6 affairs, 5 in the past 6 years. This man needed to get out of his head and know who he is and what he really needs. Sex is very important to him whether he thinks it should be or not. It does not help him, or them as a couple, to ignore and rationalize what is continually manifesting from him in ways that end up hurting her.

They are intellectual, highly educated progressives. They're wise to the workings of the world but completely oblivious to the workings of themselves.

I, alone, have been the one to know all of what is actually going on in his life. I know what happens behind the closed doors, because I'm what's happening. No one else knows that I'm still there, so while we walk through this together, it behooves me to give the advice no one else in his world can accurately give.

Being his secret has been extremely painful for me, but it's also a beautiful privilege that endears us in each other's hearts for the rest of our lives. When he looks back, I'm the one who knew him when he struggled to know himself.

He has managed to walk through the hurt with his wife to get them to a place where they can start having real discussions with each other. He has won that edge back with her and very soon, I'm may depart from this situation.

There is a time limit on me because, while he feels that there is little hope for them, I know that the place he's worked hard to get to could open up a beautiful reconciliation between them which, will allow them to really work at knowing each other and meeting each other's needs. He has a short time to find out if he really doesn't want that. After that time, I will depart and trust the ending, that I know is possible, will be a reality for them.

In this time limit, there is an emotional separation happening in me which has made me able to give the best and most faithful counsel as a good friend, his current best friend.

I sat this morning, giving my lover the wisdom of clarity for his path forward with the discussions he's about to enter into with his wife. This whole experience has really been about this man discovering the very simple truth that he needs passion and sex from his monogamy. Whether he can get it from her at this end of their long, painful journey, neither of us knows, but out of a sort of light-hearted frustration he exclaimed: "What is it [that I need]?!"

The answer was simple, the clarity easy to give: "I don't know who you need, but I know what you need and you should have your 'what' soundly and decisively in your resolve as you explore your who ... and don't settle for less than the whole of what you need."

Sex is the promise of monogamy. He now knows he needs that promise fulfilled in order to be with her alone. I hope, that as he talks with his wife, knowing what he needs (and here's hoping she now knows what she needs), that they can see each other through new, understanding, and loving eyes. Whether or not that understanding leads them to a new, greater love (my honest hope), or to the understanding that they need to part ways, I sincerely hope that they move forward with the understanding that creates love and peace between them.

Judgment aside, I see my part in this long and painful way around a man getting to know a very simple truth and, in that way, I've found beauty in the experience.

I'm looking forward to seeing how he turns out:

And, I'm more than OK if he turns out in love with his wife and not moving forward with me.