I've got a confession to make

I don't like talking about myself. When I do, it makes me feel like a useless piece of trash as far as society goes. Instead, I share knowledge, ideas, and other people. I always try to make things not about me. Even this paragraph with all the I's in it makes me feel a bit nauseous. 

But, now I have to make something about me. And it scares the shit out of me, really. 

That thing is diet and health. I've been trying to get my shit together for years. There's a lot behind how I got the way I am today. Everything from old injuries acquired while serving in active duty to not making health a priority, really. Injuries aside, here's a bit of the confession:

While I was in undergrad I was homeless. I ate very little - a pack of ramen noodles a day. Nothing added. Just the noodles and that salt-lick of a flavour pack. I lost a lot of weight and set myself up for eating a lot of free food mindset just because it was free. That's not the best mindset to have in a world where they entice you to meetings with free junk food.

Then, I got accepted for a teaching position in China thanks to some strings my friends pulled. Seriously - a friend's parents even paid for plane tickets to China. It's really the only thing that saved me. 

While I was in China I took advantage of the higher pay, the free housing, and started saving money. I even put some weight back on from being able to eat healthier again. 

This life didn't last long. But, that's another story all together. 

Alas, I got back to the States and apply for grad school just to have my old lab job back. The money I had saved went to paying for rent and a meagre amount of food. You'd think with as little food as my roommate and I could afford, we would have lost weight. Instead, somehow we gained weight slowly. 

And this continued on through grad school with a slow increase. 

And then it continued on at a more rapid pace when I moved in with my fiance despite the fact our living conditions and budget weren't much better. 

And then, thankfully, my weight stopped rising at 236 lbs in 2014.

Since then I've been battling to reduce the weight. First with at home workouts, but I lost interest. Then, with riding my bike to work, but then we moved out of the ghetto and further away. Now with focusing on healthy food and walking most mornings. (I don't walk when it's so icy I'd risk breaking a leg.) I stretch daily, and do light callisthenics every day. It's starting to pay off.

Since I got serious about getting back in shape in 2017, I've only lost 6lbs. I'm establishing better habits, and I know the weight won't come off quickly or easily. 

But I'm starting to get bored again. 

And that's why I'm writing this entry. If I keep this struggle to myself or even to just my fiance and myself, then I'll make excuses to make poor food choices when I'm super busy with work or not work out for days at a time. Therefore, I reason that if I put this all down in a place where others might read it then I'll think twice about making weak excuses. 

It's the same reason I'm considering keeping a vlog or blog on it weekly just to keep the accountability going.