A Conversation with a Snake Oil Salesman

It's always fun to head out and see scam techniques in the real world. Yesterday, I had to get my glasses fixed so I decided to make a run into town and visit the mall for the first time in years.

After getting out of LensCrafters, I decided to walk around for a few minutes before being stopped by a friendly man with a thick accent from the Levant stopped me and asked for just a moment of my time. Well now, that just happens to be something I had plenty of at this moment!

"First, let me give you a free sample of moisturizer, my friend."

‘Friend?’ Well, my, my, I've made a new friend! What other fine gifts will my new friend have for me?

"This is from the Merlot collection, made from the ingredients of the finest wine but make sure not to drink it now my friend!"

Oh my friend, he's always been such a kidder.

"Now tell me, do you ever wash your hands?"

*GASP*, how could he have known!?

“What do you use? Ordinary soap? No my friend, let me show you a secret that you must know about.”

It would be an honor to learn of your arcane metrosexual secrets my friend.

I placed my hands palms up into his bowl (not a euphemism), he placed a small sample of his mysterious sticky white substance into each palm (also not a euphemism) and he told me to rub the "salt of the dead sea" into my hands (maybe a euphemism).

Like magic, through scrubbing (and just a few sprays of a water bottle...) The Salt Dissolved! I continued to scrub until he rinsed my hands off with the spray bottle into the bowl.

"Oh wow, my friend, you didn't wash your hands today did you?" He said as he moved the bowl away. I didn't see anything but partially dissolved salt in the bowl but I am no Dead Sea skin care expert. Clearly my eyes must not have adjusted yet to having restored 20/20 vision.

I simply could not bear to tell my new best friend that I washed my hands not even 30 minutes before, obviously it must not have been enough! How embarrassing!

"The salt opens the pores and has great many health benefits friend, you must use it daily! Now let me use the moisturizer to close the pores."

Health benefits to boot!? Say hello to my new best friend forever!

This is jam. Source: PatríciaR - Wikimedia

"One more thing my friend, that was the body wash but the face wash is even better for your health, opening your pores, and getting rid of dead skin. Give me your wrist." After rubbing a gel with the consistency of jam (not jelly) in for half a minute, "oh my friend, you must have not even showered today, look at all that dead skin!"

Now I must admit must ignorance here, since all of that "dead skin" looked and felt like simple collagen that gave the gel its jam-like consistency in the first place. A bit like how "ear candles" that are supposed to suck wax out of your ears are just hollow candles that fill with wax on their own and are a complete scam. In fact, for the sheer amount of “skin” removed from such a small area, I’m pretty sure I’d be bleeding if this was legitimate. Hmmm…

No, no, my best friend to infinity and beyond would never be dishonest to me, he's still willing to be my friend despite the fact that I'm apparent walking around covered in a meter-thick layer of dead skin and dirt at all times.

"Here is some moisturizer to close the pores, now feel your other wrist, see how much smoother you feel, that's because of all the dead skin we removed!" Funny, I figured it would have something to do with the several layers of skin moisturizer but he's the expert.

"So which do you like best my friend, the face wash or the body salt?" Ah, the body salts are quite nice, it's a shame I don't have any money on me to buy them.

"Don't worry my friend, you can order online!” Ah, very nice. Thank you. “Yes, have a nice day. Goodbye.”

Well now that was rather abrupt, so much for the rapport we had clearly been building, he never even named his website, how are we supposed to hang out now? Oh well, at least we’ll always have Merlot.

All mine now.