The Cheap-Ass Gaming Garbage Man Reviews: Slither.IO

Gobble, gobble, gobble goes the snake, slithering across the hexagon-covered board.

Orbs of multi-colored lights are scattered everywhere and give the snake tremendous power. The power to increase its length, size, and speed.

Where did these monsters of nature come from? A God that doesn’t care? A scientist gone mad with creation?

It does not matter now. All that matters are those glowing orbs. Those orbs and the other snakes.

We are lucky the have only waged war on each other. An unending battle wages, day and night, even Christmas. Snakes slithering, eating, crushing, and dying.

There can only be one biggest snake. That’s what biggest means.

Can you conquer the slippery floors and greater players of Slither.IO to become the one snake to rule them all?

It's basically the story of how you were born.

Slither.IO is the baby of Steve Howse, released to much fanfare and praise over two years ago now.

Everyone was on that Slither.IO dick back in 2016. PewDiePie endorsed it. It ranked number one on the appstore, people poured millions of hours playing, and was as popular as the acronym "af"  was at the time.

But now, looking back and past all the hype and shill, was Slither.IO a good game?

No.

It’s just an alright one with easily accessible multiplayer.

That’s what made it big. That’s why it continues. That’s why I’m still fucking talking about it.

Remember Snake, the game that came with your fucking Nokia? Slither.IO is just Snake deathmatch.

You grow with each orb, fallen players giving off the most. The bigger the player, the bigger the payload when they bump into another snake's body. 

You just gather the orbs and try to avoid or defeat enemy players. A boost option, one that depletes your orb count is available and is used to block or run away from other Slither.IO players.

There is a scoreboard, on that displays the top ten and gives the goal to beat for everyone on the board, usually around 300 to 400 other players.

My average length. In feet.

I mean, I’ll give it that it’s a somewhat original twist and it does have fun moments. There are times, giving you have the internet speed, that you can dominate other players and clean up to the top.

But those moments of clarity can easily be destroyed in a instant when your snake glitches out, moves incorrectly, or a player suddenly snaps ahead of you,killing you instantly.

It’s as if the magic of the internet only works for them most of the time.

Don't forget to invest in Slither.IO meme stock, available at low, low prices!

No progression here, the only stat kept is your greatest final length. You can change your skins, but that’s about it. It’s a one-note game, good for a distraction here and there, but nothing that will make your life better.

In fact, it could be seen as a PUBG for people who like snakes and putting things, preferably glowing, into their mouths. I was going to include glitchy gameplay, but we can’t forgive PUBG for its sins earlier this year.

Be sure to check out the movie the game is based off of.

Rating: 2 out of 5. I’ll admit that I played quite a bit of Slither.IO. That’s okay, it still doesn’t make it a good game. It has its fun, but it’s a time-waster in every sense of the word.

While it has an active player base and you can jump in quickly, there are better, and less frustrating, choices available to you, the mobile and browser gaming consumer.

Slither.IO is available at... Slither.IO. You can also check it out on the app and play stores.

Be sure to also pick up Slither.IO merchandise at heavily discounted prices everywhere.

This was the Cheap-Ass Gaming Garbage Man. Until the next game, keep them hands busy.