It’s no secret that I rent a room at Chez Mom, and that she has a couple of dogs that patrol the backyard out where the weed is located.
Like any good Oregonian home, Chez Mom’s has no air conditioning, and instead, uses science and engineering to help cool the house in the summer. Specifically, it pulls cool air in from the back porch area, that never gets hit with direct sunlight and stays cool, into the house through a network of windows and built in fans through the house and out the front door and a couple of windows as a cross breeze. You close the front door, the house gets hotter than my Aunt Cathy’s temper.
So for the past five years, the door opens in the morning, and it closes every night, and it stays a comfy, eighty degrees in the house until the fall.
Then came the new mail carrier
We started seeing a lapse in the mail coming, with little notes on it when it showed up a few days later saying “Door Open.” I asked around and made sure the kids were closing the screen, they were, so I called customer service, and the manager from my local branch called back and said that this past year, it became a new national policy that no mail carrier could deliver to a house with a dog if there was a door open, regardless of the structural integrity of the screen door.
Now, we’re not one of those dog owners that’s like “my dog is nice,” or “my dog is friendly” because these dogs are neither nice, nor friendly. They are guard dogs, their sole purpose in life is to guard things, and as such, we have gone through extraneous efforts to make sure they never get out and bite someone, that’s what the sign with orange letters saying “beware of dog” means.
As such, we had a custom fitted screen door with two panes of tempered glass installed, structurally reinforced. When it’s locked, it could keep in an elephant. Well, that’s an exaggeration, but it can keep in a couple of big scary dogs no problem.
So, a little rule that’s good to live by when you’re talking to ignorant bureaucrats is it doesn’t matter how logical it is, if there’s a policy. Luckily, the USPS is pretty good about making their dog policy public.
It turns out after much searching, there is a tiny blerp on the website in the FAQ’s. Full FAQ available here:
https://faq.usps.com/s/article/No-Mail-Delivery#Dog_on_premises
So here’s what it says as of 7/1/2019:
Dog on the premises
Delivery service may be suspended when there is an immediate threat (including, but not limited to, threats due to loose animals) to the delivery employee, mail security, or postal property.
Delivery service may be temporarily withdrawn when animals interfere with our ability to complete mail delivery. Owners must confine their dogs during delivery hours and be notified promptly if service is suspended. Mail delivery will resume as soon as the Postal Service is confident the animal is no longer a threat.
Loose dogs can affect mail delivery for multiple addresses and an entire neighborhood.
As you may note, this is vague, subjective, and in no way conducive to a restrained animal, but okay. So I ask the mail lady how we’re going to handle this, because keeping all the adults here from getting mail is not a good thing. Same answer, must the close the door and swelter until the mail comes.
Then there’s this PDF:
https://about.usps.com/postal-bulletin/2018/pb22490/pb22490.pdf
Now, this is far from a policy and more of an advisory, but okay, if that’s the best you got, well, all right.
First and foremost, this is definitely written for the “friendly dog” owner, and I’ve already said, MY DOGS AREN’T FRIENDLY, so, we’re not in denial here.
Here’s what it says:
Dog Owner’s Responsibility
It is the owner’s responsibility to control his or her dog. Most communities have ordinances for the control of dogs. Though postmasters frequently request that customers control their dogs, and discontinue service, injuries still continue.
So, as you can see, there is no set policy on what dog’s house the mail lady can approach or on what grounds, it is completely at her discretion.
This is an easy fix, we have company, and when we do, we lock the dogs out back, in the dog yard, where they cannot enter the house. So there we go, dogs are out back guarding the weed happily without actually being in the garden, and now, in addition to the reinforced screen door, there is:
A whole house.
A locked solid wood door.
Four foot chain link fence with chain link gate.
Between the main carrier and the dogs. After calling, and waiting on hold for thirty minutes, because my mail carrier has been avoiding me for an entire week, I tell the representative this information, she says that it shouldn’t be a problem, takes it all down and assures me that this will no longer be a problem, then on Sunday, yes, God bless it Sunday, the mail carrier crams my mail into the mailbox, including a discontinuance of service.
So what do I do? I call customer service, who explains, that even if the dog is locked in another room, or the backyard with no house entry or front yard entry, the mail carrier can still decline to deliver my mail if she feels she might be in danger, and that no one will come out and give a second opinion, and that that is just that. So I guess, no more mail for me, it’s not like I was paying on anything I owed anyways!
Kaleidoscope Mom, with all her brokenness is still fighting the good fight, trying to get in touch with the Postmaster and talk them into reason. Personally, the kaleidoscope in me already chunked off a lot of dignity the day I moved into Chez Mom. Being the troll I can’t help but let out, I have a plan: As soon as Kaleidoscope Mom gives up and signs the homeowner’s form, I’m going to take the picture I snapped of that lady all sweaty, and hot, and miserable, and then, I’m going to get a custom made mesh curtain with that picture on it.
Then, as the White Trash World saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
Because what a $300 reinforced screen door can’t protect you from, a $50 piece of cloth can. She’ll never know if the door is open or closed, and you know, some things are just better off that way.
What are we adding to my kaleidoscope today?
Well, I'm really not sure, but before it started twirling around in it's beautifulness, I thought I saw "-anity"
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