Guys, follow these handy tips and you will be beating the bitches off with a broomstick instead of beating yourself off in the broom closet.

9 - Buy her food... bitches love da food.

8 - NEVER call her by her sister's name during the sex.

7 - Don't ask her to wear your mom's perfume.

6 - Borrow a Netflix password from one of your buddies... bitches don't like over-the-air local TV.

5 - NEVER tell her that you've rubbed one out thinking of her mom.

4 - If you can't afford proper bed sheets, at least spray a little Febreze on your bare mattress on the floor before she comes over. Bitches love the smell of Febreze and mattress sweat stank.

3 - Don't let her catch you selling her dirty underwear online.

2 - Volunteer when she needs help applying her hemorrhoidal ointment -- DON'T wait for her to ask you.

1 - ALWAYS compliment her butthole.

This post was sponsored by NOBODY.

Don't forget to try the all new NOBODY with 50% less calories than the original.

Tips are appreciated but never mandatory. If you can afford a token or two, great.

If you prefer old-school tip jars, here is mine: https://ko-fi.com/cleavagecrumbs

Of course, following my channel, liking, or reminding this post is more than enough too.

Okay, carry on, people.

9 Surefire Ways to Make Your Bitch Wet (humor)